#02 - Isabell Rennie

Tell me a little about yourself. Where do you go to school, what you like to do, things like that.

I’m in my last year of college and I’m studying Wildlife and Wildland Conservation here in Provo at Brigham Young University. I love working with animals. I’ve lived in Utah for about 12 years, before that I lived all over. I was born in California, and have also lived in Florida, Arizona, and Massachusetts. I really like change, which I think is kind of funny. I get antsy when things are the same for too long, it’s kind of interesting to think of applying for jobs where I would stay put for a long time. In addition to school, I work at a life science museum here on campus where I give animal shows to groups. We have tarantulas, snakes, turtles, frogs, and cockroaches. In the summers I do similar types of internships, for example, at nature sanctuaries. Other than that, in my free time, I like to play volleyball, and watch movies, I know I watch too many movies during school, I’m hoping that’s the case for other people! I love to hike but I don’t have a lot of friends who do, so I don’t go often, but I do go on lots of drives in the mountains to make up for it. 

How long have you known that you like working with animals?

Since I was really little. Like most kids, I always wanted to be a vet, and I didn’t grow out of that phase until junior year of high school when I realized I don’t really want to work in a vets office and be indoors. I don’t like how it’s a business, where if the pet’s owner doesn’t have the money, there isn’t much you can do to help. So I decided I wanted to do more outdoors, with wildlife, not so much with domestic animals, so I started looking for programs that would allow me to do that, which is what led me to BYU and their wildland wildlife conservation program. 

What’s a dream job for you?

This summer at my internship we had a visiting professor come through, and I want her job. She works at a zoo year-round, she’s the head of the behavior department, and she also has the job title of International Animal Welfare Consultant, which is what I want to be. For that, she goes to third world countries to these tiny zoos that don’t have proper enclosures and diets for their animals or the proper funds and knowledge to care for their animals, and she educates zookeepers on how to care for their animals. She’s only at each zoo for about a week at a time, and gets to travel, which I love to do, and improve the lives of animals, and work with people. So that’s my dream job.

I want to talk about your speech. At this time in your life, how do you view your stutter?

Right now, my relationship with my stutter is pretty good. I was around 8 when I first realized I have a stutter, but I don’t remember a lot of specific instances stuttering as a young child, I think in part because we moved a lot so my memories kind of blur together. Either that or I blocked it out. Thinking back on middle school, I know that I stuttered but I don’t remember having feelings about it. It wasn’t until freshman year of college when it had built up enough to the point where I couldn’t just ignore it anymore. I thought I hated this part of myself, so I broke down to my family and I think that was the first time I spoke to them about it. Ever since then I’ve been involved in programs like the National Stuttering Association support group community that has helped me a lot. I never expected to be cured of stuttering, so I never really had a problem with accepting that this was something I’d have for the rest of my life, but what I think I’ve really improved on is being okay with it being blatantly out there, without trying to hide it. When I give shows to groups that can be as big as 200 kids, there are a lot of times when I will stutter on stage but I don’t think about it as much as I used to, where I’d be so hung up on my stutter that I’d forget what I was trying to say or demonstrate. Now I stutter and I can breeze past it. So right now, I am doing well, it still is an everyday thing, and there are days where I’m not as okay with it. I do like where my stutter has gotten me, who I’ve met because of it, and what I’ve been able to do because of it. 

Did you go through speech therapy, and if you did, what was your experience?

I know when I got to middle school, when I moved to Utah around age 12, I did some speech therapy, but I didn’t like it at all. My speech therapist was nice but I felt like I was being treated like a little kid. She had me read these children’s books to her, and if I stuttered I had to start the sentence over again. I don’t remember when I stopped speech therapy, but I probably only did it for a year or two, then not again until college, when I broke down to my family about my stutter. I found out that BYU has a speech therapy clinic and I was able to go for free. I went for a semester, and it was fine, but I never really thought it did a whole lot for me. I learned a couple techniques like easy onset, and occasionally I use that, but I just never really felt like I was learning a whole lot, so I stopped after a semester, and haven’t gone back. 

Do you know which words you have trouble with, what your speech patterns are, and do you avoid certain words or have certain strategies?

I’m not aware of avoiding that many words anymore, but I know I used to a lot. When I first started college I would avoid saying where in Utah I was from originally, which is Mapleton, which I always stutter on, so I would say that I’m from Spanish Fork, which is much easier for me to say, and which is true because that’s where I lived most recently before moving to college. I’d avoid saying the word Mapleton unless someone asked further questions. I also have trouble saying the name of my school, I get caught on the Brigham, so I usually just say I go to BYU or the U, as people generally know it, so that’s pretty easy to get away with. Another hard one is my major. If I say ‘My major is wildlife and wildland conservation’ its fine, but if someone asks me what I’m studying, and I say ‘I’m studying wildlife and wildland conservation,’ I’ll stutter on wildlife. Since I learned that strategy, I don’t stutter on my major that much anymore. Also, when I’m doing my shows there’s this one word, the name of a fish whose name I can never say, so I just don’t include it anymore. It’s a show about interactions and there’s a fish called the Junesucker that has been kicked out of Utah Lake by an invasive species, and I’d have to stomp it out of me. So I just stopped including that piece of information in my show. Its been so long that I don’t know if I would stutter on it. Those are the main ones that come to mind that I have trouble with, and of course, there are difficult words that come up from time to time, but I try not to avoid. One of the things I’ve been learning through working with the NSA or SAY [The Stuttering Association for the Young], is to say what I want to say and not compromise with the words I want to use. 

When you get up in front of people for your shows, are you anxious about stuttering?

When it comes to my job, I don’t really get anxious about stuttering. I’ve been doing it for almost two years, so I have the content down. But this semester I’m in a public speaking class with 23 peers, and that makes me more anxious than speaking in front of 200 kids. I have included a lot of comments about my stuttering in my speeches, so that has made me anxious because I don’t talk about my stuttering that much. I get intimidated easily and sometimes I think that I can’t provide what they need, or that I’m not the right person to be giving that speech.

Because you have a stutter?

Not necessarily. When it comes to my stutter, I worry about people getting past my stutter to listen to what I’m saying rather than how I’m saying it.

So are you ever worried that because you have a stutter, that it will be more difficult for people to understand what you’re saying?

Yeah, a lot of times, especially in my shows where I have to give a lot of scientific names. If I slur the words it makes it hard for people to hear what exactly the word was, so I worry when what I’m saying is so precise that people won’t understand it when I stutter, so I’ll go back and repeat it. 

Do people react to your stuttering?

I feel like now, most people I interact with are aware that I stutter, either because I’ve told them or because they have interacted with me before so they’ve heard me stutter. So I don’t get a lot of strange interactions anymore. When I’m doing large shows, I don’t really have a chance to see people react, but when I’m doing smaller shows, like in a museum, in front of young kids, they will sometimes imitate my stutter sounds, or they will ask me why I sound like this, and I’ll tell them that that’s just how I talk. I’ve actually had a lot of comments from adults too. A father came up to me after a show and told me his daughter has seizures, and that it was really cool to see someone else who has this thing that could get in the way of a lot of activities, but who doesn’t let it hold them back, and he said he hoped the same for his daughter. 

Do you think stuttering has held you back?

I think it used to, but I don’t think it does anymore, or at least I don’t allow it to anymore. There are times when I’m in a group of people and I’m feeling more reserved and I wonder if that’s because of my stutter or my personality, like would I behave like this if I was fluent or am I holding back because I stutter. I know there are times when those do match up, where I know I’m not concerned about my stutter and I just don’t have anything to say at the moment. I am a very laid back person and I often don’t feel like I need to talk a whole lot. It’s kind of funny to try to pinpoint which aspects of my personality are because of my stutter, or how I would have been if I didn’t have this. 

Have you met many people who stutter?

I first met someone who stutters when I was 16 when I traveled to Africa, and the father of the host family we were staying with had a severe stutter. That was back when I wasn’t really thinking about stuttering, so I knew that he had a stutter, and I was aware that I had a stutter, but still I never talked to him about it. It wasn’t until I was 20 or 21 that I started seeking out the NSA and started talking about my stuttering, and I’ve met lots of people who stutter through that community, but no one randomly. 

What’s an early memory you have of your stuttering?

I don’t remember what I was saying, just my dad’s reaction. My parents have always been very supportive of me, but I think at the beginning he just didn’t understand, so when I would stutter he would tell me to stop. It just didn’t make sense to him, and it took some time for him to realize that I wasn’t doing it on purpose. 

Did your parents want you to go to speech therapy?

I’m assuming they wanted to me go in middle school. In my first year of college, after I broke down to my family to say that it was something I was really struggling with, it was my mom’s idea to seek therapy, but I went on my terms.

What’s something that you want people who are fluent to know about stuttering,  or to know about your stuttering? 

I really have been blessed with an awesome family and friends who don’t make me feel bad about the way I speak, but I have definitely had to ask people to stop finishing my sentences for me, especially because I have a twin sister and we just naturally do that to each other. Also, my family is loud and we speak over each other a lot, so I’ve had to step in and say, “I don’t mind if you speak over me when I’m being fluent but when I’m in a block and having a disfluent moment, that’s when I need you to just wait and be patient.” I have been in environments where no one interrupts me, but I know the world is very fast paced and even fluent people will interrupt each other and not mean anything by it. I realize I can’t ask everyone, but I’ve told people close to me when its okay and when it’s not. One other thing I used to do when I was younger if I thought I would stutter on a word is to fake like I forgot the word so that people would finish my sentence and I wouldn’t have to block. I’d use that as a crutch a lot, especially with my mom, who would always fill in the blanks for me, which was so much easier. I don’t do that anymore, but I do actually forget words, so I know that my relationship with words has problems past my stutter. 

I also used to occasionally “forget” words on purpose to avoid saying them. Is there anything you would change about the way you talk?

Not anymore. When I was younger for sure. Only in the past couple of years have I gotten to a good place where I wouldn’t change it. It’s still hard and it’s still something that I have problems with but it’s something that I think has turned me into who I am and I don’t want to change who I am. I like who I am. My stutter is part of what makes me who I am today, so if I changed it I don’t know who I would be. I think one of the biggest blessings my stutter has given me is the ability to see people past what is on display, to be able to see people past the flaws they see in themselves. I know that I am not just my stutter and that I am more than that, so I try to see people as more than just the one thing that most people might define them as. 

I think that’s something that people who are fluent can learn from. To not define people by one attribute. I get the sense that you don’t really think about your stutter that much. You’re aware of it but when you’re talking you’re really more focused on saying what you want to say without stressing about your stutter, and I think that’s really valuable advice especially for young people who stutter. I think about young kids going through speech therapy like what you went through, that just focused on the symptoms of stuttering, and I hope that they come to learn more about the person underneath the stutter. I think what is more important than clinical exercises and what could lead to more fluency is just having a better understanding of yourself and having more self-confidence and more self-love. That’s what I would tell a young kid going through therapy, who might be unsure about its effectiveness. I’m curious if there is anything you would say to a sixteen-year-old going through speech therapy?

I would say that you don’t have to sound like everyone else or what other people want you to sound like. If you want to be as fluent as can be and therapy sounds like it will take you there, I think that’s awesome, and if you’re okay with having a stutter and everything that comes with that, I think that’s awesome too. However you feel you want to present yourself, do it for yourself, not for other people. I think we do a lot of things to please other people and don’t think about how we feel about things ourselves. It’s the norm to fix our “problems,” but if you’re okay with it and don’t see it as a problem, it won’t define you. 

Is there anything else you want to share?

Just something that I’ve been experiencing this year is the opportunity to work with kids who stutter, through the SAY summer camp. The whole time I was imagining if I had gone to this camp when I was little and was a little jealous, to be honest, but it was a really cool experience to give back to the stuttering community, to be the kind of person to these kids that I would have wanted to see when I was their age. To see someone doing what they love without letting their stutter hold them back. That’s how I try to live my life now, to try to be an example for my younger self.